What is it that really drives men?

Chapter one of “Think Like A Man” begins with a treatment of what drives men. What is it that fuels men? What makes them go? How are men wired when it comes to achievements and goals? A few quotes from the opening pages:

“…find out here, in these pages who men really are.” || TLAM (Location 119)

“Men are driven by who they are, what they do, and how much they make…These three things make up the basic DNA of manhood–the three accomplishments every man must achieve before he feels like he’s truly fulfilled his destiny as a man.” || TLAM (Location 139)

In all honestly, I used to think like this. So there is some truth to this statement. But to take a principle and universally apply it to all men is problematic and potentially catastrophic. Let me tell you what transformed my thinking and share with you what now drives me.

“Follow me.“-Jesus

Simple, yet life changing words from Jesus in calling his disciples. And he’s made that same call to millions since. So there are men out there who aren’t driven by who they are, but by whose they are. There are men who aren’t driven by what they do, but what God has done for them. There are men who aren’t driven by how much they make, but subversively live below their means to do meaningful work for God’s Kingdom.

Harvey doesn’t call women to think like these men. Granted these men are rare. But imagine taking that three-fold mindset into a relationship with a man who doesn’t think the way Harvey lays it out. You may eventually do more harm than good. There may be unmet expectations that stymie your relationship. Can you imagine women coming into a relationship with salary expectations? With expectations of what “success” looks like? Imagine the male missionary who lives in Ghana. Or that pastor of a small parsonage in a small town making a small salary. What about that professional who decides to work with a non-profit for one-third the salary he could make in corporate America? Harvey doesn’t challenge women to think like those men. There’s something different about these men’s DNA and their definition of manhood. The truth is:

 A transformed man’s identity isn’t found in ACQUIRING “stuff”, but is found in BEING ACQUIRED BY Christ.

Harvey goes on to talk about a man’s emotional unavailability, positing that men hold back until they have reached a certain level of success. He supports this idea with the fact that men are often unengaged in conversation with their significant other. He says,

“His eye will be on the prize and that prize may not necessarily be you if he isn’t up where he wants to be in life. It’s impossible for us to focus on the two…” || TLAM (Location 208)

That leads down a slippery slope. One where some may assume it’s impossible for men to focus on career and the woman in his life. News flash: Men will never be “up where they want to be in life”. There’s always more. There’s always better. Contentment isn’t an option. Why do you think CEO’s continue to work crazy hours, neglecting their families even though they are very comfortable? Because enough is never enough! If you wait on him to obtain the prize his eye is on, then you’ll be waiting for…NEVER! For most men it will never happen. But a transformed man is already up where he wants to be in life. Jesus has lifted him to sit in “heavenly places“, so worldly success is just an extra perk. A perk that he can take or leave at the drop of a dime. Titles mean very little to him. Success isn’t his goal. Like Paul, he counts all that stuff to be animal feces (yes, Paul said that) in comparison to knowing and being known by Christ. Because these words continue to resonate with this kind of man: “Follow Me.” Here’s my point:

Not every man is “driven” by who, what, and how much.

Transformed men invite women into their lives when they haven’t achieved success. Why wait? They invite women into their lives to share the journey. Hardships and all. And no difficulty, hardship, or trial dealing with job, career, or finances will be able to derail him from caring for, listening to, and actively engaging with his significant other (and his family). Something (or Someone) drives all men. But it’s not always the same thing.

Some men ask Jesus to take the wheel, but won’t even let him in the car. Real transformed men invite him in the car. Not only that, they hop in the back seat and follow him. And if we’re being honest, these men are passengers with very little direction. Just hanging onto two words: “Follow me.” But given the speaker’s track record, that’s all the direction they need.

Posts in this Series:
1. Thinking Like A Man Won’t Always Get You A Man
2. Intro: Everything You Need To Know About Men And Relationships Is Right Here

The quintessential guide to a man's mind?

“The views expressed in this book are solely the opinion of its author and do not reflect how all men think and the author in no way suggests he has such knowledge.”

Had “Think Like A Man” ( I will use the abbreviated title of the book throughout this series) opened with that disclaimer, I’d have no reason to write any of the posts I’m about to write. But it doesn’t. In fact, the title of the Introduction to the book purports to offer everything you need to know about men and relationships. And it offers it in 229 pages (Kindle Version) of material. Sure everything from the title of the book, to product placement in the movie, to the title of each chapter in the book can be dismissed as a mere marketing ploy. And honestly many people wouldn’t think they’d find EVERYTHING they needed to know about men and relationships in one source. But what if we’re crazy enough to take those words to mean exactly what they express? What if we do believe this book holds the key to unlocking the mind of all men? I wouldn’t walk up to someone and tell them that a book offers them everything they need to know about any subject. That is, unless I really believed that. There’s only one book that fits the bill for me. And its Author is the Creator of the universe.

I have a hard time dismissing the title of the introduction as a marketing tool. Because there are people who actually believe it. Think about more extreme examples. There are people who actually think The Da Vinci Code book and movie are grounded in factual evidence. And they stand by that evidence to this day. On that same note, there are people who feel like they know everything they need to know about men (at least how men think) after reading this resource. And that’s a problem. Even on my blog, I try to make sure the posts I write on faith are supported scripturally. Otherwise, they are merely my opinions. And when I express my opinion, I hope I don’t use words that would make others feel otherwise (i.e. words like everything or all). Let’s hop right into some things I observed in the book’s introduction that raised some red flags. Here are a few quotes:

“…Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man is a playbook of sorts…” TLAM p. 5

“…the playbook you all have been using is outdated, and the plays don’t work.” || TLAM p.6

“…with this book, you can get into the a man’s mind-set and understand him better, so that you can put into play your plans [and] can figure out if he’s planning to be with you or just playing with you.” || TLAM p. 8

As an illustration, Harvey talks about the unfair advantage gained by the New England Patriots in secretly videotaping other teams’ practices. In doing so, they were at an advantage on the field. They basically read other teams’ playbooks. And this caused them to win. Playbook. Games. Play to win. I know we’re dealing with an analogy here, but are relationships really a game to play (Harvey talks about the game aspect in this interview)? Is the game really as simple as seeking to gain an advantage by understanding a guy’s mind? Here’s the thing:

In relationships, you only need a playbook if you decide to play games.

I never opened a playbook for a game I never intended to play. If I decide games are best left to those who want to play them, a playbook is unnecessary. Remember playing Battleship growing up? It was a  simple game. And it had a playbook. At its most basic level, it was a guessing game played by two people. Sounds a lot like dating right? Many relationships often turn out to be a great big guessing game. And this is the mystery Harvey sets out to solve by giving women the playbook they need to win. Because when relationships are a game, you need a playbook.

A lot of the time relationships start to look like a game of Battleship. People with playbooks tend to push one another’s buttons until they get a hit. Once they get on track with that hit, they keep on pressing. That is, until they sink another person’s battleship.  Once we find the place in the other person’s life that allows the tide to turn in our favor, we keep pushing. That’s what the playbook requires. Thinking like a man allows you to play the game. Pushing buttons. Getting in his mind. Understanding his mind-set. And you’re not in it just to play the game, but to win! That can be problematic.

If your goal is to win, then you missed the point of having a healthy relationship. 

Let’s be real. If you looked into the harbor of your soul you’d probably see sunken ships all over the place? And this is probably why women are open to trying a different approach. Maybe thinking like a man will work. You’ve tried everything else. Here’s what I want to encourage you to do. Give up trying to think like a man. Turn in your playbook. Employ this principle from another Book:

“Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for a friend” (John 15:13)

Can you lay down your inhibitions, your doubts, your fears, your insecurities, and your emotions for another person? True love is characterized by this type of selflessness. It moves you outside of the mindset of a relationship being a battle. It takes the playbook right out of your hand and places your trust in a God who created relationships to be whole and holy. It causes you to operate in love (laying down your “life” for someone else)?

The same word for life is used in the following verse: “Whosoever shall seek to save his life shall lose it; and whosoever shall lose his life shall preserve it” (Luke 17:33). Isn’t it funny how the more we employ playbooks in the dating game the more draining a relationship becomes?  Come on now. Be real. It’s draining to try and think like a man. And while we are being real, most of us have default mode. Self-preservation. I want to encourage you to follow Jesus’ example when it comes to relationships. He turns the idea of self-preservation on its head. Become selfless and lay down your mind, will, and emotions for others. Even if the relationship doesn’t work, you still leave knowing that it was not your choice to battle that caused it to end. In doing that, you’ll also likely find out soon enough whether that man has geniune interest in you. All without having to use a playbook. Because you made a conscious decision to not play the game in the first place.

I know there are some other folks who are tired of playbooks, games, and trying to win. They just want to find true love. As much as I love Milton Bradley’s Battleship, I grew tired of playing the guessing game played by two people when it came to relationships. I put down my playbook. I walked into a relationship with my wife with one thing in mind. Lay me down, lay me down. My wife will tell you that she did the same thing. She didn’t try to THINK like me. That’s unnecessary when there’s no games being played. I encourage you to do the same.

Posts in this Series:
1. Introduction: Thinking Like A Man Won’t Always Get You A Man

The Gospel or a gospel?

I’m about to get in some serious trouble. There’s a Mount Rushmore in the African-American entertainment community that you just don’t touch. Among prominent figures on this fictitious monument? Oprah Winfrey, Tyler Perry, and Steve Harvey. There may be others, but those three are certainly on top of the entertainment game. And one thing you aren’t gonna do is talk bad about members of Mount Rushmore. That’s like talking about somebody’s momma. So this post might get me in trouble. But oh well. I’ll deal with the consequences.

This weekend Harvey’s “Think Like A Man” (based on his best-selling book) topped the box office, beating out the previously unconquerable “The Hunger Games“. It made approximately $30 million over the weekend. Here are my initial thoughts in a nutshell:

Opening Weekend: Red Tails-$20 Million...Think Like A Man-$33 Million #dowhatyoumustwiththatinformation

April 23, 2012 1:22 pm via BufferReplyRetweetFavorite

@brotherpreacher

John C. Richards, Jr

I previously wrote several reasons why I ultimately supported Red Tails, although there was some controversy surrounding its historicity. On the other hand, I will not be rushing to the theatre anytime soon to go see “Think Like A Man”. Yep. Just lost about ten to twelve readers right there. Let me start by saying this. Most of my readers are Christians. And as Christians we are called to a standard that isn’t necessarily popular or “in”. And this is true when it comes to relationships. Our relationships should always be informed by the Word of God. Unfortunately, this doesn’t happen as often as it should. And relationships fail more often in the Christian community than any other community. It’s time to step back and evaluate who/what informs and influences our relationships. Here are a few thoughts:

If we spend more time listening to opinions on a morning talk show than we do learning God’s opinion through his Word, we have a problem.

If a morning show cuts our morning devotional short, we have a problem.

If the Strawberry Letter has taken the place of Paul’s letters to the Church, we have a problem.

But John, those letters…the morning show…they talk about real issues. For that I apologize on behalf of church as you know it. Let me say this though. The fact that the church you attend (or church as you know it) hasn’t addressed real issues doesn’t mean that God hasn’t done so. Here’s the thing. Harvey hasn’t just come up with these principles out of the blue. In fact, he likely learned a lot of the stuff he talks about in his book from the godly heritage of older family members. So you can’t knock him for sharing that information. And you can’t necessarily knock him for his message reaching so many people who are fed up with church and its hypocrisy. In fact, you have to applaud him for that. And you have to applaud him for the work he does with his youth foundation for young men. He’s not just an entrepreneur, but someone who gives back to the community. He is to be commended for this.

But for the next several weeks I’m going to write some posts (from time to time) on Harvey’s book. I want folks to know that I’m not just critiquing the book haphazardly. I am not on the outside looking in. The book is in my library. I want to pinpoint some issues I have with what he’s written. More than that, I want to hold believers accountable to the standard created by our Redeemer. A standard that has held marriages and relationships together for thousands of years. A standard found in the best-selling book of all-time.

Trust me. I’ll watch the movie eventually. I will laugh (I think Kevin Hart is hilarious). But the Gospel will always remain the Gospel. Never to be usurped or replaced. This Gospel changes everything about a man. Right down to his thinking. So if you want to really think like a man, in some cases you have to turn to the Word of God.

I think Rob Bell said it best: “God has spoken. Everything else [including best-selling books] is commentary.”

In fact, even this blog is just that. Commentary. But it’s commentary utilizing, informed by, and deeply influenced by the Word of God. So over the next several weeks I intermittently share my offering on the chapters of Harvey’s book. A Biblical approach to “Think Like a Man”. May it be acceptable to the Lord.

From security guard to best selling rapper. Only in America.

Boss. I never thought one word would be used so much in our culture. Thanks a lot Rick Ross. Now I have to put up with folks in my Facebook News Feed who think everything they do is #boss. Well I’m tired of it. And I hope other folks are tired of it too. It’s tax season. Tax season has a way of turning folks into temporary “bosses”. First of all, here’s a news flash for you. You are NOT getting a refund. The government is just giving you back money you lent them last year. And they got it interest free!! I wanted to put together a guide for everyone before those refund checks starting rolling in. I will simply call it:

You’re NOT A Boss If….

1. You pull a luxury vehicle into the driveway of a rented home.

2. You buy everyone drinks in the club on Friday night and work 80 hours overtime the next week to pay your bills.

3. Your house/apartment is filled with Rent-A-Center items to impress company (Rent-A-Center, by the way, is one step below loan sharks).

4. Your club outfit is also your church outfit.

5. You take pictures of other people’s cars and stick them on your Facebook page.

6. You have an iPad with dial up AOL internet access at home.

7. You buy a Bentley emblem and toss it on your Chrysler 300. It’s still a Chrysler.

8. You are an aspiring model and bathroom camera phone pictures are part of your portfolio.

9. You have a new iPhone and the account is in your child’s name.

10. You basically tithe at the strip club, but only tip God.

Know of some things that wanna be ballers do?

Anything else you  can think of to add to this list?